High Schooler
Wear sweatpants on Monday and pull your shirt down; wear the same Forever 21 shirt as thirty other girls on Tuesday and pretend your shorts are long enough; don’t run in the halls; bring the same lunch in a brown paper bag everyday; buy a Coke from the faulty vending machines; when cheating off the kid next to you, be sure he has the same test as you, because that way your answers won’t be backwards; print papers at the last minute in the library; is it true you read in class all day?; always sit up when the teacher’s eyes glance over you; between classes try to walk without a frown and a slouch like the failure you are destined to be; don’t obsessively read in class; you musn’t speak to FCAT failures, not even to help them with homework; don’t make friends on your first day- they will follow you throughout the years; but I don’t obsessively read during class nor do I slouch; this is how to hide your phone in your lap; this is how you bribe a teacher for the A that you deserve; this is how to join clubs and find service hours so to prevent yourself from seeming like the failure you are destined to become; this is how to make fun of other strange kids so that they can’t hear you; this is how you blame a teacher for not being clear enough for your 4.0 GPA mind; when you are fabricating a college resume, make sure you take all AP classes or else you will look inadequate besides everyone else; this is how to discreetly sleep in class; this is how you discreetly sleep in school; this is how you discreetly sleep through life; this is how you pretend you did nothing wrong; this is how you do something wrong and blame someone else; this is how you do something wrong and avoid getting caught; this is how you forge signatures; this is how you smile for Instagram photos; this is how you push your way onto an over-crowded bus; this is how you write the answers on your arm so that you don’t fail the test; and this way your grades will not suffer and reveal the failure you are predetermined to become; don’t rat other people out- you are not a snitch, you know; don’t take your eyes away from your feet- you might step on first lunch’s litter; don’t fall in love, because it might not be love at all; this is how to pick a college; this is how to pick a major; this is how to scrap together money for a possible career; this is how to bully a boy; this is how to bully a girl; this is how to belittle your teachers; this is how you waste everyone’s time in class, and if this doesn’t work there are many other ways, and if they don’t work don’t feel too bad about being sent to IS; this is how to refer to your teachers without the Misses or Mister; this is how to pretend you read the book for school; this is how to unjustly fail a class, and this is how you get your parents to defend your phony case; this is how to get reccomendations from the gullible teachers; but what if the teacher won’t write me a recommendation?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of student who the teacher won’t write a recommendation for?
