True Honors Students

Honors students. The so called goody-two-shoes who can do no wrong. You know the ones; they sit in the front row of the classroom on purpose. They brown nose their way into their teachers’ hearts.

The dreaded snitches, aka teachers’ pets. Those annoying ones who have their arms in a permanent vertical state in every class, because they can pretty much answer any question due to their excellent bs-ing skills, excuse me I mean their expansive wealth of knowledge. Glad I was able to clear that up. They always turn in their work. Always. Always.

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If they didn’t it is surely due to the near apocalypse. All the hard work and time they put in ensures them a glorious ‘A’ on that physics test. So, at the end of the day, they totally deserve every letter on that report card mom displays so proudly on the refrigerator. Totally. And let me say that the course load these students take on is nothing short of extraordinary.

Advanced placement everything is not for the weak hearted. Honors students just love learning. It seems to be an absolute love that is hard to replicate. And of course, AP courses are the best tool to expand that ‘fro’ of knowledge they have spent years perfecting. The following quote should be said in a “know-it-all” tone, typical of an honors student.

“My schedule says no AP biology? There has to be a way we can change this Mr. Counselor, because Biology Two just wouldn’t offer the rigor I so desire. Besides there would be normal kids in that room, and I cannot associate myself with ‘on-par’ students. It would disrupt my mental flow. Anyone not competent enough to use the word “iconoclast” in a sentence is just repulsive. Ya know?” Yes, we all know.

The idea of understanding this logic is the tough part. Let me not dismiss all the things these perfectly well rounded beings do outside the realm of school. They have time to donate to the homeless, the nursing home, and the food pantry. What little humanitarians they turn out to be. Of course, they do it all for the greater good, coinciding with morals strong enough to build a house on.

On top of all those extremely time-consuming activities, they are also involved in athletics; because any person with half a brain realizes that exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make people happy, and happy people are the best people…to vote for to speak at graduation! (Which is definitely part of the master plan for many honors students.) Alas, these smarty parties are often a parents dream. The kid, who has Ivy Leagues calling, gets great standardized test scores and receives scholarships for the excellent math theorem they developed. Yet, people seldom question these kids or their study methods, which leads no one to realize that they have secrets, hidden in places like Facebook text messages and the frequent usage of sparknotes.

On a side note, I would like to point out that not all honors students are like the ones I depict. However, real and true responsible honors students are too far and few between to count, so I felt it a necessity to expose a vast majority of the honors student population for what they really are: great at lying, manipulating, and in general being conniving weasels. The honors students of the 21st century are very flawed, and for what I am about to prove them to be, some might want to relinquish calling them honors students at all. First of all, the reason they love all of their teachers along with all of their classes is because they want an incredibly-crafted recommendation letter to send to their Ivy League college of choice. They turn in their work on time to develop credibility for the teachers to mention in said rec letters. And all that ‘hard work’ they do isn’t hard work at all.

Facebook groups created for the sole purpose of sharing answers enable honors students to spend five minutes copying answers they should’ve spent a week completing. As for getting A’s, well most of the time it’s a genetically inherited good test taking ability which is taken for granted; because honors students actually planning ahead and studying would be a complete and utter paradox the world is not ready for. So instead honors students will settle for the title of being the most skilled procrastinators the world has ever seen. They love leaving assignments until the last minute. They also enjoy posting Facebook statuses blaming teachers for their insomnia-addict lifestyle, although they probably had over a month to do the certain project they must pull an all-nighter to complete. Time management skills are not on the Harvard application and are therefore not a necessity. That strong desire to learn is really more of a need for the perfect GPA. All the AP classes taken are for show. They care more about their intellectual appearance than the yoga pant toting zombies care about how orange they are. As for helping the needy and joining sports? None of it is for the greater good, only for their personal good.

Being an athlete allows for sports exemption, meaning you can get a higher GPA; therefore, propelling you closer to being valedictorian. And most of the time, they could care less about the hungry or the homeless. They are much too vain to care about anything but their college applications; because more important than being in the top two percent is being the applicant with the longest list of activities they were involved in. Yet, being called “involved” might be an over-statement. Countless ‘reliable card-carrying smart kids’ turn in forms saying they belong to clubs they never actually attend.

But when it comes time to fill out the college app, of course, they participated in wicca club, of course. Along with wicca, they gave a half hour donation to twenty other clubs so that they could put all of those activities on their beloved college applications. Because all that matters in their life is two pieces of paper, their transcript and their college application. Those babies determine someone’s life as far as honorees are concerned. This fake life is all planned out at night, so that this secret web they have designed is more hidden than a family in the witness protection program.

Right about now you might be questioning my credibility on such a topic. How can an image you’ve been told to be true your whole life suddenly fall apart? Honors students are now rebels with a cause? Comparable to a wanna-be Batman minus spandex? By day: smart and intellectual beings; by night: cheaters and procrastinators. My whole story of a secret underground system full of liars; avoiding ethics while appearing so sheltered and innocent in the eyes of their teachers has to be a lie. Right? First of all, let me say one thing. Santa Claus, that guy you thought brought you gifts aplenty, is he real? And second, I guarantee you I know all of this from experience; I am an honors student.