College Isn't for Everyone

If the world were the way most educators would have us believe, America’s streets would be clogged with people who decided to skip out on their college degrees, panhandling to feed their illegitimate children.

If you asked any of these hypothetical street-lurkers what they regretted the most, they’d turn to you, eyes weary and underlined with dark circles, like sad, sad eyeliner for poor people, and whisper, “I didn’t get my college degree. Don’t be like me, kid. Go to college. Pursue that higher education for all it’s worth.” And you’d nod, give them a reverent “Yes, sir!” and know in your heart that you had just unlocked the secret to the life you’d always dreamed of.

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If we applied a reality check to the previous situation, that hobo would have either been a prostitute or too hyped-up on drugs or drug withdrawal to form proper sentences. Either that or they’re just pretending to be a poor person to trick some gullible, unsuspecting idiot out of their money, later returning to their mansion in the richest part of town. This is why you don’t trust hypothetical situations, you see. They call it fiction for a reason. Yeah, it turns out that most of you don’t actually need college. Unless, of course, you’re out to be some kind of fancy-schmancy lawyer-doctor-neurosurgeon.

In that case, you should stop reading this article immediately and practice charming all the money out of people’s wallets, because that’s basically the most valuable asset you can bring to your future career, and also you should learn how to talk people into getting things they don’t really need, like a “precautionary” CAT scan or a lawsuit for some “extra pocket money” (spoiler alert: the so-called extra pocket money isn’t going to your clients.) Employers don’t want degrees; they want work ethic and experience. It doesn’t matter what university you went to if you can do your job and do it right. Trust me, nobody will say a word if you can lift several tons of bricks with one hand but also happened to have dropped out of high school. And student loans will probably end up drowning you in debt anyways.

Wouldn’t it be better to spend those four years gaining experience and meeting the right people instead of studying so hard your hands fall off? Granted, that doesn’t mean a college degree won’t help you, because it certainly will. All I’m saying is that it’s not actually necessary. You know Mark Zuckerberg, also known as the creator of Facebook? Billionaire? Rich and famous? Dropped straight out of Harvard.

Granted, Mark Zuckerberg is, well, Mark Zuckerberg. And Mark Zuckerberg is kind of a genius. Kids, if you get into Harvard, you should probably finish what you’ve started, because your parents probably broke their budget sending you there in the first place. Steve Jobs? Walt Disney? Halle Berry? Jane Austen? They didn’t go to college, either, or at least didn’t complete it.

On another note, who said you needed a degree in business to start one? There are two types of people who make it big-time without college degrees: people who entertain, and people who become entrepreneurs. So you can go to Hollywood and become the next Nicholas Cage or the Real Slim Shady, or you can go and invent the revolutionary lightweight costume material (Only 19.99 including shipping and handling!) that they wear onstage. And let’s be honest here, you’re not going to automatically be launched into a high-standing position like the CEO of the Most Expensive Product Ever Created To Date Factory the second you enter to work force. In truth, you’re much more likely to end up flipping burgers while being yelled at by the Manager of a Greasy American Food Restaurant (pro tip: don’t spit in any onion rings while you’re down there.) Either way, you’re going to have to climb every single rung of this rat race we call a corporate ladder, and it will be painful.

Happy job hunting!