True Facts About the Cashew

Here, we will discuss true facts about the cashew. The cashew, when not in “Planter’s Mixed Nuts” form, is a boxing glove-shaped seed attached to an upside-down, heart-shaped fruit called the cashew Apple..

. Which grows on a cashew tree. The largest cashew tree is about 81,000 square feet which is large enough that if you were to remove the leaves, fruit, and tree, there would be enough space for 81,000 square feet of some other foliage. It is said that the fruit of the cashew tree is quite yummy, but only those who live near a cashew tree, and those rich enough to go to one can be certain because no one is rich enough to figure out how to transport said fruit. While the cashew apple can be easily enjoyed, the cashew itself is a bit trickier to get to, due to the fact that its skin contains a deadly deadly neurotoxin similar to that of poison ivy and the skin of mangos- the difference being you can eat mango skin and not die, but it is kind of gross.

This is the reason why you never see an unshelled cashew in with the walnuts around Christmas time unless, of course, the stocker is a sadist. People who live near cashew trees sometimes eat the little boxing gloves raw, which is crazy because they’ve spent most of their fruiting period bathed in sticky people killer juice. Most people aren’t allergic to cashews, which is a good thing, considering how much work it takes to make them edible, and we are the only species who enjoys cashews. This is due to the fact that other primates and animals in general are too stupid to figure out how to peel and roast the cashew to make it edible. So the next time you’re eating cashews, do it in front of a lesser primate and say “This is what makes me better than you.” But not in front of an uncaged, non-space faring chimp because it’ll probably eat your face and steal your cashews.