a peek in my mind
No one ever realizes that you are never truly alone until you’re in a crowd, especially if all the people in that crowd can’t stand your guts. Now this isn’t the first time I felt like this and I’m sure it won’t be the last time. While I sit in english class, grade eleven. I start to thinking while all the laughter and conversations go on around me yet I don’t feel left out but saddened because I don’t understand why I’m a such a social outcast. Then out of nowhere a loud ringing goes off and everyone gets up and files out of the door.
Everyone rushes around some go to their next hour class while others talk loudly and mess around in the hall blocking it so others can’t get through. My insecurities rear their ugly head up because the other kids in the halls are being loud and obnoxious. As I walk I start to become more and more paranoid. Is someone watching me? Are they talking about me? Soon paranoia starts to take over and all I can think of is they are making fun of me maybe because I wear the same sweatshirt almost everyday is it because it always looks dirty even if its clean. Maybe I have something on my face or do I have dirt on my pants I pull my sweatshirt over my butt while I hold my books in my other hand I wipe my face with the sleeve of my hoodie.
Once I make it too my next hour my paranoia starts to die down and go into hiding just so it can come back out and strike again. Im one of the very first people in my class. Which is normal for me I set my stuff down and put my friends stuff in her spot I sit down and start to think as the class starts to fill up with other kids my insecurities once again rise up the other kids all around me are whispering and giggling. In my mind they seem to be acting chatty but to other people around them they are acting normal. In my mind all I can think of when I see them or even hear about them is the pain and hurt they have caused me in the past. The past is the past and I shouldn’t dwell on it they say I should forgive and forget, but how can you forgive when it still continues to this day? How can you forget when its always a constant reminder of who I am today, and how long they have pushed me down with all the things they have done.
How can you forget when they are like sharks smelling blood. It’s not fear they smell though. It’s my confidence, happiness, my pride. once I start to come out of the shell they have put me in they come back with even more force than before with their words blaring. Stabbing into me like knives to my heart only it doesn’t stab into my heart it slices my confidence back to nothing, my happiness turns to depression.
once I start to feel smart they do something to spite me. As the teacher partners us up for todays assignment I realize that I’ve been partnered up with someone who absolutely hates me. Once we get all moved around and get our work it goes silent except for the occasional whisper from the other groups or the teacher going around the class answering questions and kids pretending to know what to do. My partner fly’s through and goes to the teacher for help every once in a while. My partner just leaves me behind, ignores me, doesn’t try and explain even though its obvious that I don’t know what’s going on. Even when asking for help to understand the subject better.
All my partner does is blow up on me because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and I guess I’m supposed to even if I’m technically special ed. I’m only trying to learn from someone that’s not our teacher because I can’t understand the way its being taught to me. So I eventually give up and let my partner do the work even if I won’t get credit. What’s the point in trying when you’re only gonna get hurt in the long run. The happiest people are usually the saddest people you may ever have the pleasure of meeting and having in your life even for a short time, but don’t be fooled by the cheerful smile bright sparkly eyes for they are a master of disguise. Hiding behind a mask of happiness until they can’t hold it in.
Bursting like a dam, flooding everything in its path. Just when you think you have them figured out they surprise you with a curve ball. It depends on your point of vision to the face or heart. They cry themselves to sleep they are the ones who think they don’t deserve life. People say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but the part they didn’t mention is that it will only get worse from here on out because old habits die hard.