All Burnt Out

WASHINGTON—Groundbreaking studies have recently shed light on the political practices of ancient civilizations.

Specifically, researchers have uncovered conclusive evidence that politicians were once honest about their agendas and political platforms. Anthropologists and political scientists from some of the nation’s top universities, such as Harvard and Columbia, unearthed evidence in the form of scrolls and pamphlets which apparently show that presidents didn’t always covet the position, didn’t always slander the opposition, didn’t always butt heads with Congress. Lead researcher Harold Jefferson expressed, “This new understanding about the presidency drastically contrasts with our previous theories of politics during the early days of America. Researchers now know honesty in this position was once a common practice.

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” “Actually, this seemingly uncommon practice was prevalent for dozens of years—nobody sought to question it. Because it worked,” Jefferson added. “Can you just imagine what kind of legislation was passed in the sacred halls of Congress without all of the strife and conflict prevalent in politics today?” Just last week a letter from the Continental Congress to George Washington came to light. It stated that by unanimous vote Washington was now the first president of the United States, even though he never campaigned for the presidency. How was this even possible? How could someone lead the country out of a revolution against one of the most powerful empires of the time without traipsing from colony to colony handing out buttons or bumper stickers? Yale University’s Bruce Parker, a leading political psychologist, was called into the study to explain the ideology behind these “odd” presidents and their campaign strategies. After poring over the relics, Parker concluded that unselfishness was the basis for the early presidencies and their effectiveness.

“Presidents today can look back at their progenitors and learn a couple of lessons,” said Parker. “It’s such a ridiculous concept for presidents today to only promise what they can follow through upon, but obviously it worked for the early Americans.” Parker pointed out the aging pieces of parchment titled “The Constitution” and “Louisiana Purchase” as examples of what can be accomplished with an unselfish and cooperative outlook. Regardless of the long tradition of copious law creation and reform since then, such as the incredible addition of a new wing in the Library of Congress, researchers were unable to unearth anything from the past century. Perhaps all the relics are buried under the thousands of false hopes, false promises, false agendas born from the wily words of more recent presidents.

Or perhaps they’ve gotten lost under the piles of campaign posters, pamphlets, banners, and other political paraphernalia that people obviously value over actual laws and reforms. While the cause is unknown, it is quite clear that the honesty and teamwork exhibited by early presidents are bright stars that gradually burned out by the early 1800’s.