Buster Keaton Vs. Mars
Today, a great quandary will be answered. A great mystery will be dispelled. That mystery is: Why did Buster Keaton never smile? A rumor in Hollywood spread that the famous funny-man and puller of great, hair-raising stunts, was contractually obligated to never crack a smile. Of course, the truth is far more sinister.
Buster Keaton was, as many know, an immortal being. This was documented in Flying Wingding’s biography, Buster Keaton: The Immortal Man. On pg. 38, Flying Wingding, a Hollywood biographer, states that, “Keaton was immortal and had lived for hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years. He recounted to me the tale of his life in the Fertile Crescent, where he single handedly took down a saber-tooth tiger. This is why he never smiled, because he had seen death itself.
” The Keaton mystery does not end there. Upon close inspections of paintings from varying time periods and locations, Keaton can be seen with his characteristic porkpie and stoic face. He is shown dropkicking a buffalo in the Chauvet caves of France. Paris Escargo, professional Frenchman, has noticed these appearances of the famous comedian. Mr. Escargo was interviewed by The French Times, stating that, “Oui, I have noticed Buster Keaton in many paintings.
Oui, it would appear that he is immortal. Also, I am French.” The Chauvet drawing was dismissed as a hoax until Keaton recurred in many other paintings and sculptures. He can be seen raising the flag in Iwo Jima, hiding his face behind an Apple in Son of Man, scraping the floor in The Floor Scrapers, crossing the Delaware with Washington, and waving at the Curiosity rover on Mars.
Famous astronaut Major Tom commented on the Mars sighting in the non-fiction bestseller The Great Mysteries of the Science by Bustling Barnacle, retired professor from the School of Science and Stuff. Major Tom, on pg. 189, stated that, “We saw the picture of him and couldn’t believe our eyes. Evidence from the rover shows that Buster has been roaming Mars for quite a while, beating up Martians along the way.” Major Tom, who was marooned in space by an equipment failure, could only give this comment before he went beyond the reach of radio transmission. The great enigma of Buster Keaton lives on, traversing the galaxy and wreaking havoc along the way.
“He can still be seen in deep space, destroying planets and causing stars to go supernova,” said the Hubble Space Telescope who was interviewed by Rusty Wang for The World Globe. The American government has formulated a special defense plan in case Buster Keaton returns to earth. Captain Obvious of the United States Army responded at a press release “Buster will not be a threat if he returns to Earth. If all else fails, we have a contingency plan called Plan B. B is for Buster of course. Plan B also comes after Plan A.
” Colonel Stud McSwag also revealed to reporters the nature of the defense plan in this statement that has been slightly edited by the Department of Defense. Mr. McSwag said, “The secret plan is- REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED.” With Buster Keaton still at large in the universe, humankind can never feel safe. The immortal man still lurks in the universe, preparing his imminent strike on the unknowing Earth. Will we be able to defeat him? Or will our planet fall victim to the immortal, unsmiling man? Let us hope and pray that we will never meet this fate.
Bibliography 1. Wingding, Flying, Buster Keaton: The Immortal Man, Pea in a Pod Publishing, 1904 2. Escargo, Paris, Crackpots in Caves, Interviews with “archeologists.” By Monkey Slapper. Atlantic Ocean: Atlantis, 1989.
3. Barnacle, Bustling, The Great Mysteries of the Science, Chunky Monkey Press, 2094 4. Tom, Major Space Oddity, Totally not a David Bowie Reference. By David Bowie. Space: Space, 2001. 5.
Space Telescope, Hubble, I Have No Mouth But I Must Scream, Interviews with inanimate objects. By Waffle Woofer. Space: Space, 1999. 6. Obvious, Captain, Captain Obvious is an Obvious Captain, Interview with White House officials. By No S*** Sherlock.
VA: Washington D.C., 1989. 7. McSwag, Stud, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Interview with REDACTED. By Sweeper Peeps.
Unknown: Unknown, 1984.