"Exterminating Our Libraries"

School libraries should serve as a safe haven for those diligent students seeking a quiet, comfortable work place to peacefully get their homework done. Unfortunately, it is constantly defiled by ringing cell phones, chit-chatting sorority girls, and even the occasional drunk, screaming lunatic. With an undergraduate population of nearly 50,000 students, it is nearly impossible for security to effectively monitor all the noise complaints students have, leaving the National Undergraduate Student Government with no other option but to pass a law permitting students the right to physically injure anyone who is a threat to their productivity levels. Picture a life where getting rid of annoyances is as simple as swatting a fly.

What do you do when a girl walks into your study room talking on her cell phone? Ask her politely to turn it off? We all know that would never work. Instead, just try tasering her! Three in four college women reported that they are likely to turn off their cell phone after being tasered. The other 25% are still in too unconscious of a state to answer (so the statistics are slightly skewed at the moment) but I think it is safe to say that they will agree with the rest! Noise works like a chain reaction in school libraries. It begins when a single person laughs out loud, followed by another who glances up from their book out of curiosity. Now, distracted, they might as well check their cellphone real quickly, only to notice that they have a missed call.

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They then call their friend and hold a five minute conversation, which in turn distracts others to take part in similar activities, or simply complain about all the ruckus. At this point, the entire room has been disrupted, all by one tiny giggle. Whether they laughed at a good knock-knock joke, a cute text message from their boyfriend, or even at something they read in their homework, that person must be exterminated at once. There are three types of people who show up at the library: those who come ready to study, those who come with the intent of studying, and those who come with no intentions at all. The latter group is where the problem lies.

Long time librarian, Ivanna Reed, at the University of Rural claims, “There are times where it is just too overwhelming to control the outbreak of noise violations around the library. You kick one sorority girl out and a swarm of them come screaming back! Serious precautions must be taken before it is too late for the students’ GPAs.” Anita Study, a concerned student at Apache College claims: “There are so many times where I wish I could simply stab the guy blasting his music behind me in the back with my pencil.” Through the use of this new “act against annoyance” campaign on campus, Anita can stab that man in the back with her pencil as many times as she desires! Now of course, we need to be civil and set limits on these rights. We don’t want some uncontrollable murder spree taking place in our college libraries-a controlled one would suffice. There will need to be laws set that determine the intensity upon which an annoyed student may act.

For instance, a cell-phone going off, a rather minor offense, is deserving of a textbook gently smashed over their head–and nothing more! On the other hand, an offense such as someone lacking the courtesy to wear headphones when blasting their music deserves at least a karate chop to the throat, followed by a bookshelf knocked over on top of their body. While the victim may at first be upset, in the long run they will be grateful that someone politely taught them a lesson about library etiquette. President of the National Undergraduate Student Government, Frank Shmuck, justifies this campaign when he says: “It is just like training a dog. All it needs is a little tap on the head every now and then to let it know that it is doing something wrong.” The real purpose here is to create a less stressful, homey environment for students to study. Through the use of this, for lack of a better word, “violent” approach to the situation, we will have students across the country “potty-trained” in no time!