Hallway Etiquette

At my high school, teachers and staff push students towards their future and their careers. Their goal is to create the perfect student or, as some like to believe, the STAR student. But recently, the perfect, rounded student involves being the right character: a STAR student.

But what exactly is a “STAR” student? Some administrative term that stands for Slacking-Terrible-Aggressive-Reckless-Students-Are-The-Way-To-Go? Well truly, one of the aspects of being a STAR student calls for being respectful. According to the genius, scholarly gurus of the school who decided it was a good idea to make a system NO student follows, being respectful means to use appropriate language (which yeah, is a good thing to keep in consideration, but we hear the “F” bomb at least 20 times a day, and that’s in a matter of 90 minutes), and treat equipment nicely (even though the “F” bomb is carved into the edges of desks in all your classes). But one key point that professors assume students know, yet is still on the STAR posters ALL over the school, is “Be courteous and polite to everyone”, or in other words, don’t walk like a dummy in the hallway. In the early innocent days of my lengthy education (also known as the potty training days or, nonetheless, whine-because-your-teacher-won’t-let-you-go-to-the-bathroom-because-you’re-going-to-pee-in-your-pants days), kids were taught the “rules of the roads”, which to us was how to walk in a hallway so you DON’T piss people off. You know how it goes: walk out the door, and keep to the right because there is an opposite flow of traffic.

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Stay quiet because there are classes learning about some stuff about Jupiter, mountains, or how one plus one equals window or something like that. My question to you is: how do teenagers, who are VERY capable of texting and driving, NOT know how to walk down a hallway? Shouldn’t it be an instinct to walk on the right side ? Students who know their lefts from rights shouldn’t have to feel like they have to scurry down a maze when they only have five minutes to get to fourth period across the building. So with a couple calculations, I’ve determined that in a matter of 300 seconds, you come across the slow walkers, the cross-traffickers, and the gibber-jabbers. And because of those people, I’ve created a “Do’s” and “Don’ts” list: DO’S: • Walk on the right side of the hallway like you drive in America. • Keep a steady flow.

• Walk in a straight line like you’re walking on a balance beam.. • Move over when somebody says, “Excuse me.” Person: *walking as slow as my grandma* Me: Excuse me. Person: *walking as slow as a turtle* DON’TS: • Stand in the middle and talk to friends. • Run down the hallway like you’re a bulldozer and knock out everyone in your path.

• Take up the whole hallway like giant hippopotami • Eat your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s face like you haven’t been fed in days (nobody wants to see what you’re eating for lunch). The confused crawlers, slugging stragglers, and just plain, old terrible walkers choose to follow the “don’ts” list, even though it clearly means “do not”, and these are the people who cause major mayhem through the halls of Mundelein High School. They are part of the reason why the genie gurus – who probably think they are STAR characters themselves – created the STAR system: a system that, I’m afraid, may never work. So instead of being an alcoholic, intoxicated with Jose Cuervo and Grey Goose, take a sip of water and walk down a hallway like you were taught. And if you do, yet the cross-traffickers and gibber-jabbers are slowing you down: Throw a couple “F” bombs in their face and hope they move!