Ode to the New Kids

I’m shaking now. Like some addict in desperate need of a cigarette. I’m fumbling with my phone and I can’t see cause these damn hall lights are too bright and my screen brightness is all the way down.

I’m flying down the staircase, half reminding myself that this is a better staircase if I’m in a hurry to Biomed but not really caring cause my music won’t play. “Your session is timed out” flashes across my screen and if I wasn’t in public, I’d scream. I hit the “okay” And quickly open the app for the third time in the past 30 seconds thinking that maybe being outside will help. It does. I turn the volume up.

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Everyone gets drowned out. A sweet symphony fills the space in my mind and mixes with the loads of school procedures that I’ve paid almost no focus to. A few conversations I’d overheard are rattled away in a filing cabinet for something to joke with my friend later. The thought of the boy in my civics class seems like nothing more than a daydream and I would rather keep it that way. No one’s looking at me cause I don’t exist.

Everyone in their friend groups. I sat alone at lunch and got a chunk of reading done but good Lord I said maybe 20 words in seven hours and it scares me cause I don’t like being quiet. I like being loud. I like loud laughter. Loud music. Loud talking.

It means excitement. It means eager. God, I miss Loud. I miss familiar hallways and familiar students- even the ones I never spoke with or hated. I miss my friends. I miss seeing the same teacher every day no matter what year I had her.

I miss knowing the names of almost everyone graduating. I’m a New Student, but I miss being just a student.