The Case Against Mondays; A Petition to G-d

Dear G-d, I seriously don’t understand pimples- but I accept them with faith. I don’t understand illness- but I accept it with faith.

Don’t get me started on the purpose of spiders- yet, I do not doubt. Then comes Mondays. Mondays, G-d, Mondays! Are they necessary? Would the world be any less worldly, the days be any less dayly, the years be any less yearly– without Mondays? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Shabbos. Sunday is a wonderful day, it’s the Day-Off for mankind. It means sleeping in.

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Sunday can be shopping sprees, or family excursions, or movie-marathons, or pajama days. Sunday is a wonderful day, so thank you G-d. Tuesday is the balogna-in-the sandwich day, the middle-child day, the day smack between the Beginning of the Week and the End of the Week. Tuesday is the middle day, and it’s good, because you’ve passed the hurdle of Monday (to be discussed soon) and are already half way through the week. You’ve made it this far, you’ll make it to Shabbos. The worst is over, yes, Tuesday is a good day.

Wednesday kind of sucks, G-d. But you know what, it’s an okay kind of sucky, it’s manageable. Not every day can be sunshine and rainbows, I get that, so that’s why we have Wednesdays. Wednesday is the day you realize your nails are too long. Wednesday you get your period, or you drop your contacts in the toilet. But G-d, IT’S REASONABLE.

I don’t complain too much about Wednesdays, because I understand you need the sucky days to appreciate the wonderful. Besides, if there’s a day you’ll end up ordering pizza, it’ll be Wednesday. I don’t know why, but it always ends up happening that way. Ask anybody. Thursday is the day before your birthday. Almost (just almost) better than the birthday itself, because you get to anticipate it, to stay up late in thrill of it, to dream about it.

Thursday is the day before Shabbos, and really, it’s the best of all the days I’ve mentioned already. Thursday morning is “one more day till Shabbos!”, Thursday day is smiles and Shabbos plans, Thursday night is preparing a menu. Oh, Thursdays– they make me feel You know what you’re doing, G-d, after all. Friday/Shabbos = bliss. In my orthodox Jewish home, Shabbos (Saturday) is a holiday.

Neither of my parents work, and we do not use computers or cellphones, so nobody’s fingers are occupied texting. Nobody’s eyes are glued to a screen- every one of the eight members of my family are there, and we eat a three course meal with guests we’ve invited to spend the Sabbath with us, and we sing and we laugh, and we get passionate talking (fine, arguing) about politics and the meaning of life and whether our neighbor is a jerk or not. I love Shabbos, dearly. BUT MONDAYS G-D, MONDAYS! It’s a universal rule, don’t say it’s just me, mondays are unfathomably abominable. Monday morning you wake up and remember that you’ve got a week of work ahead of you, and it’s a long, long way till Shabbos.

In school, there’s some sort of unwritten rule when it comes to scheduling Mondays. Take all the worst periods and cram them into this one horrific day. (I’m looking at you, double-period-trigonometry.) In the world of the grownups, too, Monday means paying the grocer, and scheduling dentist appointments, and going to dentist appointments, and running out of gas, and noticing you still haven’t cut your nails. Monday is the day your ponytail’s too tight, so the whole day it pulls at your scalp and leaves you with a headache.

Monday means fights, and breakups, and being fired, and catching the flu, and stubbing your toe, and burning your tongue and— AHH- G-D– WHY?? So G-d, in this respectful petition I beg you to remove Mondays from our universe. Imploringly yours, (my name) On behalf of humanity