How to Establish a Dictatorship in School
Disclaimer: The following is a satirical piece. It may or may not be exactly the opposite of what one should do in school, so please do not actually take any advice from it. PLEASE. How to Establish a Dictatorship in School I get it.
You’re a shy, slightly terrified incoming freshman, and you’re not ready for the social conundrum that is high school. Well, let me tell you, you need to know the ins and outs of this maze of people before trying to make sense of it all. This is where I come in. The following helpful tips will help you deal with common circumstances you may come across in everyday life during you everyday, seven hour long sentence in academic prison. It also may help you establish a practical dictatorial regime in your high school, but I digress. These “tips” will include situations in the hall and in class.
Well, what are you waiting for? Lets get started! In the hall: At first, as you walk through the crunched hallways of death, it may seem intimidating. Lumbering jocks with tufts of facial hair shout to their friends from across the weathered brick halls, and the person behind you keeps stepping on the back of your shoe. What must you do? All your answers can be summed up in one simple acronym: SWAG. · S: Stand up for yourself. If a kid knocks into you while he is rushing to class, you escalate things and push him down the stairs. After all, he deserves it for being so insolent to somebody as awesome as yourself! · W: Walk.
Its all about the walk. If you walk like a boss, everything else will follow. Trust me, I know this from experience. Strut like you own the place. Shift weight slightly from side to side every time you take a step.
This way, you’ll take up more room and command authority over all of these weak-minded teens that infest high schools. Show them who’s boss. After all, you’re a swagasaurus rex. · A: Assert dominance. As soon as you can, build up a posse in high school and use them to carry out your will among the hallways. Take over certain doors in the school and make everybody that goes through them have to pay a fine.
All rebellion will be crushed with no mercy so that none can rise up to oppose you. Kim Il-Sung said it best when he stated, “The oppressed peoples can liberate themselves only through struggle. This is a simple and clear truth confirmed by history.” · G: Give, don’t take. Of course, by this I mean give no mercy, take no excuses.
To establish an efficient dictatorship inside your school where you can reign Supreme, you must be brutal. Your thugs must deal with all of your enemies. Remember, “accidental” broken bones of others are a small price to pay for your dominance. In class: High school is full of difficult classes with challenging, strenuous homework. The easiest way to take the stress off of your shoulders is simple: don’t do your homework.
This isn’t middle school anymore, and lets be honest, colleges probably don’t even look at your grades anyways. This whole “grade” system is a ploy, designed to see which are the truly genius students that can look through the web of lies put on by high school staff. After all, at this point you’re practically a dictator at your school. Do not let silly things such as “grades” or “learning” get in your way. In the words of Adolf Hitler, “Obstacles do not exist to be surrendered to, but only to be broken.” Once your regime has enough power, you can also begin to influence the school around you.
If your class reads books that promote rebellious ideas such as freedom and capitalism, you must have the books burned immediately. To quote Mao Zedong, the first communist leader of China, “To read too many books is harmful.” _____________________________________________________________________________ So, now you have the necessary skills and knowledge to excel in high school! Like many people say, it is one of the best times of your life. Who knows, maybe with some luck you may even rule a country someday. Good luck, my young communist apprentice, may force be with you!