I Swear I'm Not a Murderer, I'm a Writer

As every writer knows, there is a lot of research that goes into the writing of a novel and some searches you make raise some eyebrows. So to avoid having to explain to your friends why you were researching how long it takes to burn a human body (it takes 3-4 hours), just read this article and learn all that you might need to know to have your character commit the perfect crime. First, you will need an alibi.

The most common alibi used in TV shows and books is when the killer pays another person to vouch for them. Do not use this method unless your killer is intended to be incompetent. If anyone will lie about your whereabouts for cash they will spill to the police for a higher price with no hesitation. So how do you establish a solid alibi? Buy a movie ticket and post on social media that you are going and tell your friends too. The ticket will show that you at least intended to go to a movie at the certain time the movie was shown.

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If you go to the first couple minutes of the movie, and sneak out later, then your alibi gets even more secure as people would see you go into the theatre. Also, pay for the ticket with a credit card so it is on record. Now it is time to commit the crime. This should be planned far in advance so you should know where the soon-to-be-victim is at and if he/she is alone. It is better if you don’t know the victim and if the location is private but likely to have DNA of several different people in it like an office or something. The early hours of the day are the best times to strike but make your plan flexible.

Now don the disguise. You will need new clothing, many layers to simulate that you are fatter then you actually are, and a wig and colored eye contacts. The wig and contacts should be purchased near Halloween so the purchase is less suspicious and, regardless of the time of year, buy everything at least a month before the crime is to take place. Using make up can change your facial structure and by wearing tall heels or slouching you can make it seem as though you are taller or shorter then you actually are in real life. If you wear perfume don’t wear any or wear a different kind and dispose of it afterwards. If you have a distinct accent then change it and change hands if you have to write something to change your handwriting style.

Unrecognizable you now should travel to the place where the crime will be committed. If you drive there then use a stolen car and ditch it afterward, driving it into a lake is a good way to dispose of the car. If you use your own be careful for cameras and get the interior cleaned afterward and then purposely dirty it up so it looks like it hasn’t been cleaned at all. The best mode of transportation is by bike but make sure to get ride of it later. Pay with cash for everything including the cleaning of the car and your disguise and any tools you may have bought and destroy receipts.

Before you commit the crime you have to do several things. I shouldn’t need to remind you to always wear gloves and change them often. If you wear one pair too long then the oil on your hands will go through them and leave fingerprints and DNA. Also, remember not to touch your face or any part of your body when wearing them to avoid DNA contamination. You will also need plastic or something on your shoes to avoid leaving footprints or anything else, if you do wear shoes without plastic then wear ones that are too big for you so they won’t know too much about your height or build. Safety goggles can be a good precaution to avoid any other DNA getting anywhere.

NEVER take anything from the body, it is too risky. The weapon should be acquired by cash and some time before the crime. Some weapons are better and less obvious then others. A gun is easily traceable and suspicious to buy but if you buy a DIY ornament kit and use the wire as a grouting wire then it is untraceable and no one will glance twice at your purchase choice. Choose wisely. Now for clean up.

Wipe down everything in the area with oxygen based bleach and then use the victims hand to leave fingerprints on mugs and other things as no fingerprints at all is very suspicious. You can bring a black light to make sure you get everything. If you have blood on your clothes then burn the clothes along with the dirty gloves and the disguise. If the murder weapon or anything that you used won’t burn then wipe it down and throw it away in a city dumpster. Getting rid of the body might be tempting but it is usually better to leave it alone. If you need to hide the body then you can put it in a septic tank, the bacteria should decompose it enough before it is found and the smell isn’t suspicious.

If you want to bury it, first drain it of fluids in a bathtub and mix the fluid with bleach and then drain it to get ride of evidence. Then cut the body up and bury different body parts in different locations. If you bury the pieces three feet underneath a dead dog a police dog digging it up could lead the authorities to think it is a false positive. But it is best to just clean the body and leave it alone at the crime scene. Once you are done then leave the area and don’t come back. Don’t tell a soul of your actions and avoid all media coverage as sometimes police use false information to lure you out.

If you get arrested then say nothing, without evidence they can’t press charges and if you do it right there is no evidence. So now you know how to make your killer commit the perfect crime, and you don’t even have to explain to your friends why you were researching how to clean blood off your hands (the trick is hydrogen peroxide as it dissolves blood). The most important thing to remember is the drive behind your killer and how you think they would commit a crime. If they are sloppy and commit crimes of passion then make the crime sloppy, if they are professional and psychopathic then make the crime professional. It all has to do with your characters and your plot. Now get out there and write your crime filled novel.

Happy writing! (This is not intended for any purpose other then writing and I do not condone any of the aforementioned crimes.)