Sorry If It Smells In There

I’m not gonna go into this pretending that I can comment on anything besides the female side of all this. Because, quite frankly, the extra credibility that would come along with the male side is just not worth it. What is “this” you may be wondering? Well, if you haven’t guessed from the title, I’m going to be ranting about something to do with bathrooms. Specifically, public bathrooms, and even more specifically, going the dreaded #2 in public bathrooms. Too much to handle? Stop reading. (By the way, #2 also goes by poop, crap, and dump. Among others.)

Still here? AWESOME. Because I really do think this is an important issue to discuss. Seriously. Why is it so embarrassing for girls to do anything besides pee in a public restroom? Seriously, it’s been engrained in me for forever: get in and out as quickly as possible. But, why is that? Why, if someone takes longer than 12.6 seconds in the bathroom, do we automatically conclude that they’re taking a dump, and, even worse, proceed to judge them for it? Oh, and we can’t forget the Walk Of Shame. You know what I’m talking about. The poor girl whose bowels betrayed her comes out, and everyone pretends to not have noticed how long she’s been in there, but really everyone is mentally jeering at her, (which obviously she knows, because girls can communicate via ESP) so she ducks her head and scuttles out of the bathroom as quickly as possible without actually running.

We’ve all been there. You’re waiting in line, legs crossed or uncrossed depending on the urgency of Nature’s call, and that one bathroom door has literally been shut for YEARS. And you’re standing there, growing impatient regardless of how badly you have to go, because everyone knows you don’t poop in a public restroom. This is natural, inborn knowledge. Something you’ve been aware of since the day you were laboriously brought into the world.

Wait a minute. Maybe not. Flashback to That Day when you were a little kid. You may not remember specifics, like what color shirt you were wearing or which Disney Princess was on your light-up gym shoes, but there comes a day in every little girl’s life when one day, you go into the bathroom, sit down, experience the pure joy that comes with peeing (don’t ask me why, and don’t judge me for that, because you know it’s true) and are just about to do the deed when….silence. You’ve never been aware of it like this before. Was it always this loud? And then, just as you’re in the midst of deep reflection on every time you’ve ever been in a public bathroom, someone walks in.

NOOOOO.

Well, now you for sure aren’t going anywhere. You obviously can’t stand up and leave, but this person absolutely cannot be made aware of your presence in the bathroom as well. So, you sit there, growing more and more irritated as she fixes her probably too-ugly-to-fix-face-anyway. Sorry. That was impolite. But seriously, some people just need to get out of the damn mirror. But I’m getting off track.

So, you’re sitting there, and just when you hear her feet turn and take a few steps, you’re SO relieved when all of a sudden the stall door next to you opens and closes. You freeze, frantically thinking of ways out of this one, which is difficult because by now you REALLY have to go. So, using the mind that evolution has deemed to be the best and best able to survive and adapt to new situations, you decide on a plan. The girl next to you starts to pee, and you bear down with all your might, so that the PLOP PLOP becomes lost in the waterfall that’s going on next to you. Quickly, you stand up, flush, and hurry out of the stall to the sink, so that when the stupid girl next to you comes out, you look like just another normal law abiding citizen washing her hands after a normal pee, and not some abomination of female etiquette.

Now, if you absolutely have to do the dirty deed in public, that scenario is the best one. (Well, second best. NOTHING compares to having an empty bathroom throughout the duration of your visit.) However, there are a series of unfortunate scenarios that girls may find themselves stuck in:

1) You’re in the bathroom, waiting for a lull in people, but because people suck and the world is out to get you they just KEEP COMING IN. So, what to do? Well, you could sit there and risk being stuck for hours, but I wouldn’t recommend it. In this scenario, blow dryers and loud bursts of conversation are your best friend-you just gotta make sure you time it right.

2) You’re in the bathroom and someone comes in and sits down….and just doesn’t get up. You’re not sure if she DIED in there or fell in or what, and frankly that’s not your first priority given the situation. Your best bet: to just do the deed and beat her out the door, because odds are she’s wishing you were dead right now, too.

3) You go to the bathroom with a friend from class but are not close enough with to reveal that you ever need to do anything besides pee in bathrooms. There really isn’t a good way out of this one, just try to take a stall as far away from her as possible, time it as best you can, and make sure you bang the toilet paper dispenser a few times if you need more time.

Obviously there are more scenarios, but since I wouldn’t want anyone to actually think I partake in the act of desecrating in the correct public facilities, I’ll leave it at that. My point is, all of the fear and anxiety is really unnecessary. Our bodies have natural demands and while I’m not necessarily advocating that we wholly embrace our bodily functions and trumpet them to the world (that is what separates us from boys, after all) we shouldn’t have to resort to such drastic measures to hide them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. There’s this perfect one on the opposite side of the school that only takes 47.6 seconds to get to if I speed walk, and no one is ever in there.

x

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I'm Emmie!

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