Stop! Your favorite band is coming to town! Get up and go buy your tickets, get supped up and ready to go! But before you do that, make sure you’re aware of the different kinds of show-goers. They’re everywhere at a show, from the unprepared ones to the angry ones. This will be your guide through the avoidance of these pesky peers. First we start with the Unprepared! These eccentric guys and girls usually range anywhere from 12-16 years old. More often than not, this will be their first concert.
So with that being said their anticipation must have been building up for months! By this time, it’s a sure thing they have taken more than enough trips to hot topic on their weekly mall heist decking themselves out in black sweaters, head bands, skinny jeans and high top shoes all branded with the headlining band’s logo and name in bold lettering. Obviously blinded by the excitement of this day, they have yet to do their appropriate research on the venue the concert is being held at. They will stroll on down to venue with their hoodie and jeans on nice and warm! Little do they know that the venue is an outdoor venue. Seeing as the show takes place in July, during the day, they are in for a treat in the form of heat exhaustion. Popular dialogue between mother and “unprepared” show-goer is as specified. “Do you need money for drinks?” says the mom.
“No Mom i’m perfectly capable of dealing with my hydration myself.” the adolescent would retort. In a crowd of 2,000 bodies tightly pressed up against one another, one MUST drink water. This stubborn teen is now on a stretcher leaving the venue 2 hours early. The unprepared can also be found drenched in the rain, muddy from the ground, or hurt from those floor tickets right next to the mosh pit they “just could not live without.
” Now that you’re aware of these nagging youngsters, you’ll have to hear about another dangerous crop of menacing concert dwellers. The Angry Ones. Some go to a concert for the music, or the lights, or the people, but this particular class seems to attend all concerts simply to complain. It may not be hard to spot an Angry fan, but you do need to be aware of their apathetic antics. The key to identifying one of these people is their body language, use of words/phrases and their friends. It’s usually common to spot them in the front section of the floor, tightly squeezed in the ocean of bodies with a firm look of disgust on their face.
Angry Ones usually look very uncomfortable, they push through people that stand too close to them, or in front of them. You can see their eyes beading their feelings of angst, and hear them exclaiming loudly “Are you kidding me?” or “Get off of me!” They have a hard time grasping the fact that there isn’t much shoulder room in a crowd of thousands. If they aren’t amongst the audience they usually stand with arms folded in a corner and a smug look upon their face. You might see an “Angry” holding an alcoholic beverage on the outskirts of the venue, somewhere unbothered where the sound isn’t as loud and is quite frankly, less fun. Psychologically, they love this. They are miserable souls who love negative attention.
For some reason their peers are always happy-go-lucky, over excited fans! Such as our next class. The Static Fan. One easily found, easily pleased, and easily annoying. These guys are generally the ultimate fans. They know every single word to every song.
They own every CD, DVD, VINYL, RE-RELEASE, B-SIDE, POSTER, ACTION FIGURE, AND UNDERGARMENT ever sold under the band’s name. Statics also tend to know the band’s wikipedia information by heart, so incase you didn’t know that the lead singer is afraid of heights and had a pet cat named Guillermo in high school, your friend the static will be right there to assure you of this information. At a show, you find them raving about the VIP passes they received from being apart of some exclusive club. First in line, and the most merchandise, singing obnoxiously loudly at the gate. During the performance, Static’s “singing face” resembles a mother giving birth. Some how their passion results in a face of anguish.
The most annoying part of their get up is the over enthused and over obsessed manor they partake in. Some say statics truly live just to worship the band, like they’ve been doomed with a one track mind. Yet, at the end of the day you can’t deny that the Statics are having fun. These over achievers usually drag one of the oh so infamous “Unfan-Fan.” The UnFan-Fan is simple, they either show up to this concert because all of their friends were going or because they just begun listening to the band the day prior and felt the need to see them perform. As the Un-fans show up to your favorite band’s concert, they are sporting the most popular or cliche shirt available.
Yet unfortunately, they don’t have much to discuss with you about the band, since they don’t know much! The problem with the Un=fan is that they’re unaware they are in for a night so far off of their expectation that they might leave in a very bad mood. As the night progresses, their hopes and dreams are crushed. Walking in they envisioned an extravaganza! A monumental event in musical history, but the lack of lyrical knowledge, leaves the Un-fan…
Un-satisfied. You’ll always hear the likes of them singing along with slurred, incorrect lyrics throughout the entire set. They always hate the part where the vocalist declares “You guys wanna hear some old stuff!?” since they have no idea what that old stuff really is. They are always first in line at the merch table after the show, picking up another generic looking t-shirt to sport. A shirt that screams FAN but doesn’t reveal their true phony fan-hood.
Ask an Un-Fan how the show went and their answer will be “AMAZING, I HAD SO MUCH FUN.” On the inside, their self consciousness is eating away at their enthusiasm. Now that you know about all of these different pests. Go to a show! Bring your best friend, pray that he’s not an Un-fan and if he’s an Angry, you’ve got an issue. Spot unprepared ones and hand them a bottle of water, maybe some sun screen. They need your help.
You can also classify yourself using this guide, use it to your advantage and figure out what you need and what you don’t. Who you should stand by and who you should try and kick in the face while crowd surfacing. Enjoy your new insightful concert experience.