A Proposal to Freeze Illegal Immigration

For too long a scourge has hung over America, stunting our potential and making us a shadow of our former selves.

Foreigners stream over the border, bringing their strange music and quirky customs with them. They steal our jobs, siphon our tax dollars, and corrupt our virtue. Illegal immigrants migrate to our land, settle on it with no justification, and then get mad when they come into contact with us even though us true Americans were here first. Their perfidious actions go against the virtuous foundations America was built on, and it’s time somebody put an end to it. The flow of illegal Canadian immigrants into America must be stopped: it’s time we deport them all to the North Pole.

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Canadians are not to be trusted, and all their interactions with America have been negative. Whether it’s burning down the White House in 1812 or exporting Justin Bieber across our borders, Canada has always done everything in its power to wreak havoc on its wholly peaceful southern neighbor. Canadians go through, around, under, and over our border on a daily basis, and have rendered our attempts at keeping them out futile. While other immigrant groups come to America and at least attempt to assimilate into our society, all Canadians do is sit around and drink maple syrup all day. They leech off others instead of contributing, and are about as productive as a Canadian athlete during the Summer Olympics.

Instead of merely patrolling the border and sending the Canadians back to their squalor, we need to eliminate the problem permanently by sending them someplace even colder and more depressing than Canada itself. We need to send them to the North Pole and teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. Cold weather is the obvious natural predator of the Canadian. Most of Canada’s population hugs the southern border with the United States, so they obviously shy away from the horrors of the North Pole. Furthermore, their continual southern migration into our precious heartland highlights their fear of frosty forecasts.

By deporting all Canadians to the North Pole, we would stop the problem in its tracks. Just like a Youtube video attempting to buffer on public Wi-Fi, freezing is extremely frustrating and would halt any sort of advance they make. The frigid weather would mirror the coldness of the Canadian population’s dark icy hearts, so this punishment serves as poetic retribution for years of abuse and stereotypical Canadian rudeness. Depriving Canadians of their body heat, their precious Tim Horton’s coffee, and their professional hockey teams would freeze them all, and stop them from bothering us wholesome Americans who want nothing more than to spread peace. Dumping the roughly 35 million Canadians in the North Pole should be a fairly simple affair.

The entire process would merely require a few dump trucks and/or helicopters. After dropping off the Canadians, then comes the problem of making sure none of them escape before they freeze. We are still coping with the fact that the North Pole isn’t filled with Santa and his elves, but luckily for us, mother nature bestowed upon the Arctic Circle a population of 25,000 polar bears instead. Current statistics show that polar bears have high rates of unemployment, so hiring them as wardens should be fairly straightforward.Our calculations show that each polar bear would have to oversee only 1400 hundred Canadians.

While that ratio may seem a bit daunting for the bears, when taking into account their craftiness, and the clumsiness of Canadians, any misgivings of the plan are quickly assuaged. Although this plan does seem foolproof, preliminary testing does indicate that it would only work to stop human Canadians from pestering us, and not the dreadful Canadian geese who would just fly away after being deposited in the North Pole. From this point onward the plan becomes even more beneficial. The Canadian problem will be solved only as long as all of the Canadians remain frozen solid, which means that if they were to ever melt, they would rush right back and bother us again. That means that Republicans will finally have a reason to care about climate change.

Super PAC spending, the Koch brothers, and nativist urges all will be squashed by the innate Republican urge to build walls and despise any sort of immigrant. Immediately after realizing that human activity causes the Canadians to thaw, Republicans will jump into action. Congressional deadlock will immediately break, and legislation nurturing green energy will be forthcoming. Thus, the Earth will become a far more habitable place not only because of the diminished number of Canadians, but also because of a dearth of carbon dioxide emissions. Although the world economy will struggle to cope with a sudden disappearance of the maple syrup supply, and will sorely miss the poetic prose of Drake, we all must realize it’s for the best.

America simply cannot cope with a massive influx of people whose culture goes against our own. Immigrants go against our most basic creed, and it is our duty as Americans to immediately respond angrily towards the unknown. Instead of having to spend time we can hardly afford learning about these other people, and emphasizing with their situation, we find it far easier to ignore them and send them all to some far away place. It’s time we make all of our lives easier by ignoring this quandary, because by taking the problem and pushing it somewhere else, and not addressing the root of the problem, the entire thing will surely work itself out. This brilliant plan allows us to blame all of our problems on this one nationality, and use our focus on it to ignore everything else that’s wrong with America today. By following this plan America will be back to its old self in no time We can make America great again.